What No One told me

When I left Norway, I hadn’t dated much, but I thought I understood what dating was.

I thought attraction was simple. That if two people liked each other, things would unfold quietly. That you didn’t have to define everything immediately. That not trying too hard was part of the charm.

Then I started dating in California.

And suddenly, everything felt louder.

In Norway, No One Tries Too Hard

Back home, dating feels understated. Almost private.

You don’t pitch yourself. You don’t market your personality. You spend time together and let something grow. There’s comfort in that. A kind of softness.

But there’s also subtle pressure — just hidden better.

You’re expected to date within certain invisible lines. Around your age. Around your educational level. Around your social circle. Around your “type.”

No one says it directly. But you feel it. Social pressure and social expectations define who you can date.

If you date someone much older, people raise eyebrows.
If you date someone much wealthier, people whisper.
If you date across obvious class differences, you’re often discreet about it.

Scandinavia prides itself on equality — and that’s beautiful. But equality can also create unspoken sameness.

Standing outside that sameness can feel… exposed.

In California, You’re Allowed to Want What You Want

One thing that shocked me about American dating culture is how open it is.

People date across age gaps. Across industries. Across economic levels. Across backgrounds. And they don’t hide it.

Preferences aren’t whispered — they’re declared.

“I’m attracted to older men.”
“I like ambitious women.”
“I want someone established.”
“I’m into something unconventional.”
“I prefer a partner who is submissive.”
“I’m into something unconventional.”

There’s less shame attached to desire.

That doesn’t mean there aren’t judgments — of course there are — but culturally, people are more comfortable owning what they want. They don’t disguise it as coincidence.

In Scandinavia, you might quietly adjust your story.
In California, you might say it outright.

That openness extends beyond status and class — it extends to sexuality, kinks, and unconventional dynamics too. People talk about these things earlier. More directly. Sometimes even casually.

It can feel freeing.

It can also feel intense.

How Modeling Changed Everything

Modeling complicated my dating life in both places.

In Scandinavia, it made me slightly “different.” Slightly visible. People either romanticized it or quietly judged it. There’s still an undercurrent of modesty culture — don’t stand out too much, don’t seem too ambitious.

In California, modeling is almost expected. It doesn’t shock anyone. But it changes how people approach you.

Some people are genuinely curious about your work.
Some are intimidated.
Some see status.
Some see access.

I’ve had dates where I felt like a person.
And I’ve had dates where I felt like a brand.

Modeling amplifies attention — but it also amplifies projection. People assume things about your lifestyle, your values, your boundaries.

In Scandinavia, the attention felt quiet but cautious.
In California, the attention felt bold but strategic.

There’s less shame attached to desire.And learning to separate genuine attraction from fascination took time. But also that it was acceptably to date someone and use your sexuality in a strategic way. The first time someone suggested that I should flirt with someone or go on a date with someone because that person could be beneficial to my carer, I thought they were joking. Or if I did use my sexuality for personal gain and career opportunities, then I needed to be very discreet about it.

I’m not saying that everything is socially accepted and that’s there’s no whispers behind your back. Still it’s accepted that it’s all a game and you use what you got to get ahead in life.

If you’re modest and play by the rules, then you will lose the game. But you need to understand that everyone else is playing the game as well. They will betray you if it benefits them and they will take advantage of you if it benefits them.

Talking About Sex — and Not Hiding It

Both cultures are sexually open. But again, in different ways.

In Scandinavia, sex is normalized — almost neutral. It’s not scandalous. It’s part of life. But it’s also private. You don’t necessarily analyze your fantasies on the first date.

In California, conversations about boundaries, desires, and even kinks can happen surprisingly early. Therapy language is common. People talk about attachment styles and compatibility like they’re discussing hobbies.

People are not afraid to have sex on the first date. It almost feels like rejection if a date doesn’t end up with sex of some sort. In Norway the first date is a cup of coffee and perhaps a hug in the end if the guy is bold enough.

And what surprised me most?

People don’t hide their preferences.

If someone likes something unconventional, they’re more likely to say it. Not in a shocking way — but in a matter-of-fact way. It’s part of their identity, not a secret. People love to stand out and they’re proud of their kinks.

In Scandinavia, I often felt that anything outside the norm was something you explored quietly. Carefully. With discretion.

In California, it’s more often:
“This is who I am. Take it or leave it.”

That kind of confidence is magnetic.

But it also requires strong boundaries.

Competition vs Choice

Dating in big American cities feels like abundance.

That abundance creates freedom — but also competition.

There are always more options. More possibilities. More people who might be more ambitious, more attractive, more established.

In Scandinavia, dating feels smaller. More contained. You don’t want to burn bridges because you’ll see those people again.

In California, you can disappear and reappear socially without much consequence.

The question becomes less about availability and more about intention.

Are we choosing each other — or just enjoying the endless options?

What I’ve Learned

Dating between these two worlds changed me.

Scandinavia taught me patience. Subtlety. Discretion. The beauty of slow-burning attraction.

California taught me clarity. Confidence. The power of naming what you want without apologizing.

And modeling taught me something else entirely:

That visibility changes dynamics.
That attraction isn’t always about connection — sometimes it’s about projection.
And that the strongest position you can take, anywhere in the world, is knowing your boundaries before someone tests them.

If I could take the best of both cultures, I would.

The quiet steadiness of Scandinavia.
The unapologetic openness of California.

Because somewhere between restraint and boldness is the version of dating that feels the most honest.

And that’s the one I’m still learning to build.